Season 2 – Episode 11: From Grief to Growth: How a Sacred Pause Changed Everything
In this episode, I reflect on my transformative journey over the past few months, including the sacred pause I took to process personal growth, grief, and the challenges of preparing for my TEDx talk. I share the profound experiences I had during a retreat in Peru, the spiritual crisis I faced in Dublin, and my surprising journey back to the Catholic Church. Join me as I share how facing fear, embracing my vulnerability, and reconnecting with my soul’s purpose have opened doors to a renewed sense of leadership and personal growth. This episode is a reminder that, when we step back, listen to our soul, and embrace the unknown, we create space for profound change and alignment in our lives.
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Episode Transcript:
Welcome to the Path and Purpose podcast, where we explore the journey of living and leading from your soul's purpose. I'm your host, Dr. Cameron Martin. As a spiritual coach and leader, I've dedicated my life to helping changemakers, creatives and conscious leaders align with their soul’s calling. In each episode, we dive deep into the stories of those who are paving the way for a more conscious and compassionate world.
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My purpose is to explore the intersection of spirituality and leadership, offering you practical insights and inspiration to live and lead with authenticity. Join me as we discover how to embrace our soul's gifts, overcome barriers and learn to lead from being. This podcast will inspire you to live in alignment with your soul's purpose and create a lasting impact one conversation at a time.
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Hello everyone! I'm so excited to be recording this podcast episode today. It has been a while, a little over four months actually since my last podcast episode, and I'm excited to share with you what's been going on and what's happening in my life. What has happened since I've taken my pause. Lots of things have changed. I have lots of lessons to share, and I'm excited to just mark this moment that we're coming back with some new episodes.
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So thanks for listening. And I want to just jump right in. So my last podcast episode was titled The Sacred Pause, and I was feeling very deeply at that time, like I needed to pause, like I needed to take a break. And there were lots of things going on in my life. And in my business and just within myself that I knew that I needed to give space for.
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And so I slowed a lot of things down. One of them was the podcast, obviously, you know, this, but I didn't exactly know why. I didn't exactly know what was coming. But really, from December, January, February, March and April, I'm recording this the very end of April 2025, o much has happened that I can look back and go, yeah, for sure.
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I needed time and space in order to process, in order to connect with my being. And ultimately, I want to share some of these lessons with you. So this whole period of time has been very much about growth, personal growth, grieving and honoring an old self, letting go of an old self, stepping into a new, and really creating a lot of space to connect with my being.
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Now, of course, I teach about being-centered leadership, and what that really requires is that we listen and pay attention when our spirit knows that we need something. And so that's kind of what some of the greatest lessons have been for me. So the first thing I want to share with you, is just to say that the first part of 2025, the first quarter, has been bonkers energetically.
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There’s been some very interesting astrology, in particular, the retrograde of Mars and Cancer, I think is tricky for a lot of people. The beginning of the year has very much felt like a trudging through mud or a slow sort of grind, and a feeling that things are not exactly moving forward like we would wish. And a lot of returning and going back and revisiting.
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And are you sure? And is that really what you want?’ And for sure, that's what the last four months have been for me. So I'd like to take you back to really the end of November and the beginning of December for me, which was really marked by the passing of my grandmother. And I was asked to sing at her funeral.
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It was her last dying wish that I would sing a song or two at her funeral. But I did one better, and I sang the full mass, which was a really big deal for me because I was a cantor singer and a choir director for years at a Catholic church. But I left the church in 2018, because I didn't feel like I belonged there as a gay man and as a Catholic.
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Those two things didn't make sense to me. And here I am singing again, for my grandmother's funeral. And what was really interesting to me was not only was it a very emotional day, because it certainly was, but as I was singing, the thing I was most aware of was a ton of activity in my solar plexus, which I thought was very interesting.
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The solar plexus is the seat of our power and expressing our power to the throat, and these are the two places in my own body that felt the most energized in that experience. It was definitely an experience for me of coming home, but also showing up, being seen, knowing that my gifts are valued. And for me, it unlocked a number of things energetically inside of me.
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Just a few days later, I was traveling to Peru. And Peru was amazing. I went on a retreat and the retreat was very focused on connecting with our magic and abundance. And for me, Peru was such an incredible experience that changed so many things for me. I think probably because it came right off the back of my grandmother's funeral and how challenging that was,
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I felt more in my power and more loving and more open and more willing than maybe ever before. And so my declaration to myself for Peru was to just be myself fully and to just have my heart open and let myself shine and let myself unapologetically communicate and share and speak and just stand in my power. And for me, that's what that whole trip was about.
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Really me choosing to stand in my authentic expression without pushing. You know, it was interesting even at the beginning of the retreat. As you can imagine, a lot of people come together and they want to meet each other, and they want to get to know each other and, there's a lot of that initial talk and like, “Oh, let's be friends,” that kind of thing.
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And I chose to take a completely different approach and to just kind of like sit back, observe, watched, stand in my own truth, be exactly who I was, and allow experiences and people and opportunities to attract to me that I needed. And that's exactly what happened. And it was an extremely powerful experience with many sacred conversations. I visited many sacred sites, including Machu Picchu, which was amazing.
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And if you're watching a video of this podcast, I'm actually wearing my favorite article of clothing that I got, from Cusco, Peru. This is actually the flag of the city of Cusco that I'm wearing, which is super cool. But yeah, Peru for me was so much about me questioning who I had become and who I need to become.
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I have many dreams. I have many knowings about the work that I meant to do in the world and the projects that I meant to bring into creation, and the things that I want to create for myself and my business. And, this trip, it was the first time where I felt like. “Pause and look and reflect and appreciate the journey up until now.”
00:07:57:20 - 00:08:23:16
There were several moments on the retreat where the retreat leader asked us just questions about our growth and about what we're manifesting, and about the things that we want to create in life. And it was very clear to me, and reflecting that I had already become the version of myself who was calling these things that I want in, which was a really surreal experience.
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I kept getting the visual that I had pretty much made it to the top of a mountain, and that the journey was very long. The last two years have been extremely long, but I had made it to the top of the mountain and that this is a moment worth celebrating. And that's what I did. And it was really interesting when we ended up hiking Waimea Picchu, and I saw that same experience in physical form, being at the top of the mountain after exerting a lot of energy.
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It was really kind of a beautiful thing, but it was this deep knowing that came through that I'm already the version of myself that, you know, wants certain things. He already exists. All I have to do is tap into him, right? I'm already who I need to be to do the things that I want to do in the world.
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I'm already who I need to be to have the things and the experiences that I want. And I stood on that trip in the deepest knowing of my worth and also my connection to the divine. I gotta tell you, if you haven't had the opportunity to go to Peru, I highly recommend it. Peru is a very sacred place.
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The Sacred Valley is absolutely beautiful. There are so many sights that are of a very high vibration. The people are lovely. The food is amazing. But the connection to nature was so incredible. Scaling mountains and beautiful forests and all kinds of nature. It felt to me, my experience in Peru, more than anything, I felt like I was being held, held in the arms of punching Mother Earth, held in my own journey, held in my own reflection.
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And it was really a beautiful experience. I came back from that retreat feeling very high vibrationally, because I felt like I had the experience of this deep acceptance of myself in a way that I didn't know, I had achieved that, if you will. And so at the end of that trip, I kind of understood why I was being asked to take that sacred pause after all.
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After Peru, I was feeling really, really great. And the holidays came up, but the end of December and early or end of December and the whole month of January, my primary focus was on my TEDx talk. I gave a TEDx talk on being-centered leadership at the beginning of February. But the months that ended December and January, I was full-on in. I had to make some really strong or some really tough choices to prioritize and make sure that that's what my primary focus was during that time because TEDx was something that I have been manifesting and wanting to do for years.
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I mean, I used to be a classroom teacher in 2014, 15, 16. I was using TEDx talks in my classroom to teach certain things, and I knew that one day I was going to give a TEDx, and this had come into being, and I was really excited about it, and I got it. And what I chose to do was to create as much time to focus on that particular creation, because I understood that they needed that attention.
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I ended up writing nine versions of my Ted talk. Worked with my coach, worked with friends and others to receive feedback, and I was feeling really great about it. It was a very challenging, experience to write a TEDx, and I'm actually going to record a full podcast episode in the future after the talk launches, a behind-the-scenes view of what that actually took for me to do.
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But let's just say that the experience leading up to the talk was very spiritual. It pushed a lot of my limits. It pushed me to really get clear about what my message is and how I want to present it to the world, to a very large audience, of course, millions of people and the TED channel. But it also brought up a lot around the question of what is my soul actually here to share, and how do I share parts of my past that felt very vulnerable parts of my childhood, parts of my experience as a teacher that were still, frankly, I don't know about open wounds, but still felt very tender because my talk was including these topics.
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And so as I was working with the drafts, it was very much a spiritual experience, a healing experience, needing to look at myself to reflect, to go back and, that experience was thrown into hyperdrive when I actually arrived. So my talk was in Dublin, Ireland, a place that I feel very connected to, Ireland.
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I have been to Ireland a few times before. I also have some very interesting astrophotography lines that run through Dublin. Which, if you don't know about astrophotography, it's a type of astrology where we can look at the energetics, your personal energetics, superimposed on the map of the Earth. Every place has a specific energetic for your soul, certain remembrances, experiences, whatever.
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For me, Ireland is mostly an energetic of Pluto, which has to do with transformation, change, Phoenix rising, a death, a dying, a rebirth. And that is, my friends, precisely what happened to me in Ireland. Now, the Ted talks giving the talk was one piece of it. And I'm going to give you a little bit of a behind the scenes here so you can see sort of, how I grew from the experience.
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But I'm going to do a full episode. As I said, in the future. But let's just say this talk pushed all of my buttons and all of my wounds and all of my limitations, since when I arrived in Ireland, I was feeling pretty good though, jet lagged for sure, and I got to my hotel. I had a difficult time getting on the timezone, and I rarely have that bad of a jet lag.
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But for this experience, for whatever reason, I was very jet lagged. I didn't really sleep the first night. I was up from midnight to like 8 a.m. and slept from like 8 to 2. And my first day I went and did a little exploring in Dublin. My whole point of the trip and how I had it set up, was that I was going to spend a few days before just kind of grounding in getting myself settled, practice seeing my talk and then giving the TEDx obviously.
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But that first day I started to not feel very good and it actually got worse and worse. Over time, I developed a headache. I developed congestion in my throat and chest. I developed a fever which lasted for several days. I had a lot of pain in my lower back, particularly the areas of the kidneys. And every time I would practice my talk in the hotel room, I started to feel worse and worse and worse, and I was very much aware that I was moving through a spiritual crisis during that period.
00:16:11:13 - 00:16:36:22
Because I had had similar experiences on retreats in Romania before. And I understood that we store fear in our kidneys and a lot of ancestral stuff in our kidneys as well. And that's exactly what was being very activated. I was literally in bed for days and I could barely stand up. I didn't eat, and I was in a lot of pain.
00:16:36:22 - 00:17:03:23
And every time I spoke my talk, I started to feel worse and worse and worse, and my throat hurt and I started to see marks on my throat. It was a crazy experience. And there was a moment, the day of my talk arrives and I'm still feeling this bad. And I remember getting dressed, forcing myself to get dressed because I felt really, really bad.
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And I had a literal come to Jesus moment that was like, I'm going to make a choice. I have a choice right now that I could not show up and cancel this, or I've come all the way across the world and I put so much time, energy and effort into this. I'm going, even though I feel absolute garbage.
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And I remember that moment. It was one that I probably will never forget because it was a defining moment in my life. But I left the hotel room, got in my taxi, got to the event, frankly, didn't feel great at all. I mean, felt really, really terrible. Like if I had had a job, I would have definitely called out sick.
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But I knew that everything that was coming up for me was really about fear and really about my past, and really about making a piece of my past and being willing to share it in a very public way. And I got on that stage. And to be honest with you, I don't know who gave that talk. Yes, of course, I had rehearsed for months, and I knew it really well, but it felt very much like something else was speaking through me, my higher self, my angels, my guides, my team.
00:18:14:09 - 00:18:37:19
I'm not entirely certain, but it was some aspect of me. I was absolutely receiving divine intervention and divine guidance. Because it was as if everything else didn't matter. My body, how terrible it felt, didn't matter. And then I remember getting to one section of the talk and thinking to myself, oh my God, I'm already here. Like we're almost done.
00:18:37:21 - 00:19:19:18
And then we were done. And I stood there for a moment going, “Oh my God, that just happened.” Now, we did a little Q&A session afterwards, and then I connected with some people that I felt absolutely awful after the talk. Complete exhaustion. In fact, that night I slept for 17 hours straight. Never woke up. So that's just the state of being. The last couple of days of that trip, I decided to go to a resort where I went to a spa and, you know, rested and all that kind of stuff.
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But what happened after my talk was perhaps even more interesting. Obviously, I was very much struggling and I felt like I was in fight or flight mode pretty much the whole time that I was there. But when I got back home is when things started to unravel or things started to unpack. I did not feel well for at least two weeks, and it was very much a spiritual upgrade and a releasing of old patterns and a releasing of fears.
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And in my physical body, my physical vessel was going through major transformations. I spent most of that time on the couch for about two weeks. My mind was not clear. My emotions were up and down and all over the place. In fact, I came back from the trip feeling extremely disappointed about the talk. Well, not so much the talk.
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In fact, I was happy with the way that it came out, but disappointed with the way in which the whole experience happened and why it's so painful and so challenging. I had to move through a real period of grief and ego death and loss, which was very challenging. And it also brought up a lot of things about my business and my work and my impact in the world, and all kinds of patterns showed up.
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So February was definitely a month of big action. And so sort of me reeling from those actions like integrating, releasing, letting go, purging. It was a very, very challenging month for me, February 2025. As I moved into the month of March, March also was kind of what was also challenging. I was doing a lot of reworking things in my business re messaging, a lot of back end stuff, stuff that just needed review.
00:21:18:20 - 00:21:37:10
Of course, it was Mercury retrograde is a perfect opportunity to do that, but I needed to kind of dig in to, okay, now so many things have changed within myself and so many things have changed for me personally and professionally and all of this that I really need to kind of go back to the drawing board in a number of things.
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And that's what the month of March was for me. And, as frustrating as some of that process was, because it was kind of crunchy, not going to lie, and it took a lot of time. Again, I needed to give myself space to just allow whatever needed to happen to come through. And I also was preparing for my TEDx launch.
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Now it is, right now, April 27th, 2025, and my video for the TEDx is not live yet on the Ted channel, but it will be. It's been a very interesting back and forth, back and forth. Wait. Hold on. Almost. Yeah, it's going to go live now, but it does it. Oh it's very soon but it doesn't.
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I've been setting up a lot of things in the background to get ready for this launch. Probably by the time you're listening to this episode it will be live. And if that's the case, I'm going to put the link to the video in the description. Because I'd love for you to check out the talk, but, it's a real period of surrender.
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I don't know what's coming. I don't know how things are going to unfold, but I've just got to, like, allow things to take its own time. And I feel like that's March and April were very much about. In the month of April as well. I felt very, very called to return to church. And I went to mass one Saturday, and I'm going to also record a podcast episode about this, my story of returning to the Catholic Church, because it for sure has a lot.
00:23:15:19 - 00:23:39:04
Suffice to say, I went to mass, got a very clear message from God that it was time to return and time to sing again. And I also felt a level of acceptance at this parish that I had never experienced before. In particular, they have a globe ministry, a gay and lesbian outreach ministry, which welcomed me with open arms.
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And so too did the choir. So I moved through a massive shift with an area of life where I had felt sadness and anger and frustration and limitation. And I decided to sing for the Easter Triduum. So for Holy Thursday, Good Friday, the Easter Vigil, Easter Sunday, I went back to church and I sang in the choir.
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And that experience for me was one that has shifted so much energetically. I experienced joy for the first time in a really long time, and a feeling of belonging and a feeling of coming home and a connection to Source and God that I had been missing. Even though I'm very connected, there's a difference between doing spiritual work and yoga classes and meditation and, you know, being on a mat or being in a meditation cushion and connecting to the divine on your own.
00:24:44:09 - 00:25:12:09
There's a difference between all of that and then doing it in community, in a church, singing sacred music, singing and connecting to stuff that my soul has known for so long. So this part, this story is still very emerging for me, and so I'm not yet able to share all of the lessons, but there's definitely a future podcast episode coming to share more about that.
00:25:12:11 - 00:25:43:11
But a lot of big changes and those changes with the church have pushed against a lot of my old paradigms as well. Not only that, in April I had a number of experiences, professional and personal, all after the eclipses that pushed, every single one of my deepest ones. So there's a lot of change that's happening for me, inside of me, because of all the work I've been doing.
00:25:43:13 - 00:26:08:16
It's been a tremendous period of change and growth. So when I look back at the month of November and wondering why I felt so strongly, like I needed to pause and relax and step away and not push things forward, I can see now why there has been so much that has shifted, so much that has changed within myself and in my life that really requires my attention, which is ultimately what I want to share with you.
00:26:08:18 - 00:26:35:12
The lessons of this I want to share with you now is what I've learned is that leading from being, which is what I teach, leading from being, is really about attending to your spiritual work and taking inventory when things are changing within you.
00:26:35:12 - 00:26:55:00
Myself for sure, but so many of my clients, so many of my friends, so many of my contacts for the last few months have been moving through dramatic changes, a lot of purging, a lot of letting go, a lot of reconfiguring, a lot of What do I really question? What do I really value? What do I really want in my life?
00:26:55:02 - 00:27:18:02
Do I want to continue doing this or do I not? Is this a project I still want? What are my old fears, old relationships or patterns? All of this stuff has been shaken up, like to the max. And we're all being pushed because the frequency of the planet is changing. And we're stepping into greater light and we're stepping into greater love.
00:27:18:02 - 00:27:41:01
So all of these things that are not of that need to be purged, need to be released so that we can step into something new. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that whatever's on the other side of this for me, is huge, because I have been moving through tremendous change internally for months. And yes, that spiritual work can be very challenging.
00:27:41:03 - 00:28:02:04
It can be very hard to feel your emotions to feel safe, to feel your emotions. That gives you hard to trust when something is crunchy and when you don't know it can be hard when you expect the path to look like this, but it's looking like something else, right? Living our soul purpose requires that we are flexible in that.
00:28:02:06 - 00:28:27:07
That we make a commitment to our path. However that shows up even if it's circular, even if it seems like you're doing the same thing again, or reviewing because our purpose, our soul's purpose, will require that we at some level surrender to what is happening and surrender to the divine and to surrender to a bigger plan. We're not that we don't have free will, because we certainly do.
00:28:27:07 - 00:28:48:20
But we're along for this ride. If we set this right up and put it into motion long before we even incarnated right? And then we come down here, we kind of forget and we move through periods that are like, oh my God, this is so intense. But how can we relax into our own process, whatever that is for you, right?
00:28:48:20 - 00:29:20:23
Learning to lead from being is really about attending to whatever process is occurring for you internally. Our purpose is a journey. It's not a destination. And to really live our purpose requires a deep level of trust. But when you commit yourself to living your purpose, you'll always come back to what is right for you. When you allow yourself to center and proud and to connect with who you truly are.
00:29:21:01 - 00:29:45:07
And so what that looks like for you, you know, whatever practices are in place. For me, I spend a lot of time in nature, as much as I can spend a lot of time, connecting and journaling and so connecting with my thoughts through journaling and meditating. Creating space to just be so I can listen to these whispers in my soul.
00:29:45:08 - 00:30:28:15
You know, the greatest work that we do happens behind the scenes, happens in the shadows, and even with the shadows. The greatest work that we can do is actually with the shadows of our being dealing with and seeing head on our limitations, our fears, our worries, our concerns, our old programs. And when we're in periods of expansion, we also have to release the things that contractors and sometimes they can feel like a rubber band that's going to pull pull, pull, pull, pulled all the way back and stretched.
00:30:28:17 - 00:30:48:21
We don't exactly know when the release will happen or what will happen because of it, but what I've learned over the last few months is that there is a real magic in being in the experience and choosing to be fully present in whatever internal experience you're moving through, not trying to push through it, not trying to get to the other side.
00:30:49:02 - 00:31:12:02
Albeit there are days where I'm like, oh my God, am I done with this yet? I'm done feeling all these things, am I done looking at this shadow aspect of myself? Am I tired of this particular fear or whatever the case may be? But then I'm brought back and reminded that actually the journey that's, where the gold is in the experience.
00:31:12:04 - 00:31:39:02
Hey there. If you're enjoying what we're diving into here on the podcast and want to go deeper, I want to invite you to check out the Soul Purpose Collective. The Soul Purpose Collective is my online community. Where minded changemakers, creatives and leaders come together to explore what it takes to align and lead from their soul’s purpose. Head over to yourpathandpurpose.com/spc for more details. We'd love to have you join us!
00:31:39:02 - 00:32:05:03
I've also learned that fear is a great teacher if you allow it to teach you. What do I mean by this? Well, frankly, that vibration of fear is something that keeps a lot of people paralyzed, and it does keep the vibration of humanity lowered and keeps a lot of people in a state of control controlled by others.
00:32:05:05 - 00:32:36:14
Fear is a very powerful emotion. But when we are breaking through, up-leveling, shifting our frequency, stepping into our purpose, it is inevitable that you are going to come against your deepest fears. It's going to happen because those fears kept you from becoming. And so your relationship to fear is one that I've learned a lot about the past few months.
00:32:36:14 - 00:32:51:02
And I'd like to just share with you that fear will not kill you. Your fear actually is a beautiful teacher, almost like a canary in the coal mine.
00:32:51:04 - 00:33:11:16
When you’re afraid of something, the fear is indicating for you what is not healed yet within you. So if I go back to my TEDx talk for example, what I realized is that there were very deep fears of being seen and fears of rejection that were coming up for me, which is fascinating because I am a teacher, I am a speaker.
00:33:11:18 - 00:33:36:14
I have no problem getting on stage and speaking to audiences and sharing teachings and recording podcasts and all these kinds of things. But, you know, a TEDx is different because it's a very large audience of potentially millions of people. And so maybe I wasn't aware of those fears when I'm on stage in other workshops or other speaking events.
00:33:36:16 - 00:34:03:02
But for whatever reason, this one felt really different. My soul was holding on to fears of being seen, fears of rejection or fears of self-worth in ways I wasn't even aware of until that moment showed up. And when it did, my body was telling me,”Oh, oh, we still have this within us”. And my choice was to relate to that experience, be with it, be in it.
00:34:03:04 - 00:34:55:09
So every ounce, every piece, every morsel, every lesson from that experience and see what happens. And I've got to tell you, it was very good. On the other side, that feels more empowering, more open, more loving, more peaceful than ever. And so. I invite you to consider maybe what you're afraid of in terms of where your evolution is taking you, where you're being asked to go, what needs to be looked at, what needs to be changed, what needs to be released, what needs to be let go of, and what fears are sort of not driving you, but preventing you from that so you can use it to drive you forward. I think that some of the greatest lessons that I've learned over the past four months.
00:34:55:11 - 00:35:27:13
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00:35:35:15 - 00:35:52:23
Now I'm really excited to continue to share more episodes with you. I have some amazing guests coming up. And I have a couple of solo episodes, I mentioned to you behind the scenes of my TEDx talk. Because once that comes out, we're going to share that with the world.
00:35:53:01 - 00:36:18:21
And, that story's still not completely done yet because it hasn't gone out into the world. So there's still something that's going to evolve in me, but I'm going to share the entire story in the lessons, sort of behind the scenes view of the stuff that I didn’t even tell you today. And then I'm also going to do a solo episode about my journey back to the church, which is 100% in progress.
But at some point, I will share that journey with you and the lessons of leading from being as they relate to that. So I hope that you have been well over the past few months. I hope that you're connecting, with whatever process is moving through you. Making space for a pause, making space for whatever happens internally within us.
This is what is required to lead from our being, to lead from our soul’s purpose. And, if you're inspired by the episode, want to share anything with me, or if you need some support, maybe in receiving clarity around your purpose or just clarity around your journey, feel free to reach out to me, send me an email, leave a comment in the video. I'd love to hear from you. So until next time.
A heartfelt thanks to you for tuning in to this episode. I'm Dr. Cameron Martin and it's been an honor to support you on your path to self-discovery. As you reflect on today's conversation, remember that the journey toward living and leading from your soul's purpose is ongoing. You're never alone in it. Until next time.